| Some
Modest Proposals 1. No Smoking
Most of my friends (used to) smoke. And I used to be almost militantly
pro-smoking on their behalf, even though I've been allergic to cigarette smoke all my
life. (I just have to take a lot of antihistamines.) But enough,
already. I'm sick of people mistakenly claiming they have a Constitutional RIGHT to
light tobacco sticks on fire. These dreamers are sadly -- no, make that comically --
mistaken. There is absolutely no legal or constitutional precedent that would permit
you to get your kicks while exposing others to toxic substances -- on public OR private
property. Honestly, I don't care if you smoke -- except while I'm eating. Just
don't think you have a RIGHT to smoke ANYWHERE. You don't.
2. No handguns
The Constitution is actually quite clear: "A well-regulated militia being
necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms
shall not be infringed." So, you want a gun? Go join the National Guard.
It's your constitutional right. Actually, I don't really care if people want
to keep guns in their homes, as long as they license 'em, register 'em, pass a test to
prove they know how to handle 'em properly, and keep 'em safely locked away from kids and
their redneck friends and family. By keeping a gun around, all these people are
actually doing is increasing the odds of getting themselves, or somebody they know,
shot. So, that's fine with me, I guess. It's a trade-off they're supposedly old
enough to make for themselves. But as adults, they should have to face the
consequences of their decisions. And if a kid (or anyone else) gets shot "by
accident" because they haven't taken adequate precautions, then they should face a
stiff time in jail with other violent criminals just like themselves. As Albert
Finney says in John Huston's magnificent film of Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano:
"There are some things you just can't apologize for."
3. No drug possession charges
The greatest percentage of inmates in U.S. prisons are non-violent drug possession
cases. This is absurd. Prisons should be reserved for violent criminals only.
Others should be required to undergo treatment. Alcohol is more addictive and
causes people to behave much more violently than almost any other drug (except maybe PCP):
more than pot, acid, coke, heroin, ecstasy, crystal, mushrooms... AND it impairs
people's ability to operate heavy machinery (like cars) more than most of these drugs, as
well. (Face it: somebody on heroin isn't gonna feel like -- or even necessarily be
capable of -- going ANYWHERE, and coke and pot must make you want to stay home...)
4. No second chances for violent
criminals
Rapists, murderers, or anyone who is convicted of any kind of violent assault (with
fists or any other weapon) should never be released. (This includes drunk and reckless
drivers.) These people have demonstrated they cannot handle themselves in society.
Chances are very high that they WILL do it again. The punishment should fit the
crime. Violence leaves permanent marks on its victims. Violent criminals have
forfeited all rights to remain at liberty.
5. No vans or sports utility vehicles
See? I'm covering all the bases here. Unless you can rightfully obtain
a special license and can demonstrate you need a van or SUV to carry a large number of
people (including kids) or to travel over rough roads, you have no reason to drive one of
these hideous monstrosities. There are too many of these things clogging the highways,
hogging up fossil fuels, and unsafely blocking the views of conscientious drivers in
smaller cars that are lower to the ground. Traffic signals, stoplights, road & traffic
conditions are all blocked by these vehicles that city streets were never designed to
accommodate. Any vehicle above a certain height should be required to use the right lane
only on all roads (just as trucks are on interstate highways). And
"tinted" rear windows that blind the drivers behind should also be
outlawed.
6. No motorcycles
Unless they can come up with a way to
channel all that ridiculous engine noise back into the ears of the riders. I hate
them for personal reasons (I have friends who have died, and nearly died, on them) -- but
there is absolutely no excuse for them to rattle your windows (and eardrums, and nerves)
more than an 18-wheeler rumbling by...
7. No '80s nostalgia
Isn't it sad and shameful enough that we've had to suffer through nostalgia booms
for the '50s, '60s, and '70s? The '80s were worse than all of them put together --
particularly when it came to pop/rock music. Good music is timeless, no matter in what
decade (or century) it was made. Let's not ghettoize it. P.S. Have you
forgotten? The '80s were one of the darkest periods in American history -- when the
Constitution was thwarted and US policy was really being carried out by a shadow
government in the basement of the Reagan White House by Ollie North and his band of
vigilantes. Meanwhile, Ronald Reagan slept... and let his handlers set policies he
couldn't talk about or even remember without a script...
7. No Christian fundamentalists
Anybody who thinks the Bible (Old or New Testament) is something that can be,
should be, or was ever intended to be, "taken literally" is just too ignorant
about the history of their own professed religion to be taken seriously. Ever heard of the
ancient tradition of teaching and passing down wisdom and philosophy in the form of
parables? (Listen up, so-called "Creationists." Not even The Pope believes
that malarkey.) And you may recall that the Bible wasn't written in English, so much of
what you think it says was really mangled in mistranslations from the Hebrew made over
centuries -- and many just within the last 100 years or so. As a character played by
Max Von Sydow once said (in Woody Allen's film, Hannah and Her Sisters, and I
paraphrase): "If Jesus could come back to earth and see the things that are being
done in his name, he would never stop throwing up." And if he saw what folks
are doing with the Ten Commandments and the story of Genesis, ol' Moses might need some
Pepto-Bismol, as well. |
Just Go
Away (It is my firm belief that the
following "public figures" -- from all walks of life, from crime to politics to
entertainment (and many erasing the distinctions between those categories) are unspeakably
horrible. Besides, they have nothing to say -- as they have proved again and again
-- so it would be best for all of us if they would just shut up and go away. Their
utterances are the equivalent of noxious second-hand tobacco smoke. And their
actions are despicable by any standard. I'm putting their names in teeny-tiny type
because, well, we don't want to add to the unjust attention they've already received.)
1. J. Edgar Hoover
(Deceased at last.) Can you believe that FBI headquarters is STILL named
after one of the most appalling criminals ever to terrorize the entire nation? Even
after all the stuff that has come out about his abuses of power? That's disgusting.
2. Mike Tyson
Convicted rapist, ear-biter, violent criminal, cry-baby, coward... what's
next on the resume? Hey, Mike -- next time in prison what tattoo you gonna get to go with
your Chairman Mao? Let's see, what are some other genocidal criminals of the 20th
century? How 'bout Pol Pot? Maybe Stalin? Hitler?...
3. Kenneth Starr
All these years (and millions) into your so-called "Whitewater"
investigation and the best you can come up with is Monica Lewinsky? What a
pathetic joke on the American public...
4. Linda Tripp
The comments about her personal appearance are rude and uncalled for.
She's loathsome because of how ugly she is on the INSIDE. That's all that matters...
5. Geraldo Rivera
He's STILL bringing television to new lows. The man has wallowed in the very
same sow pond as Jerry Springer and his ilk many times. But he can't admit it --
even though he'll badmouth other (deserving) talk show hosts. Geraldo: start with
yourself. Say you're sorry, at least...
6. Al Sharpton
7. Al D'Amato
Two blustery Als from New York -- in fact, they're almost the same person,
except one is a U.S. Senator and the other isn't. You could be forgiven if you
couldn't recall which was which.
8. Anyone and everyone associated with the O.J. Simpson criminal trial & travesty -- from Ito to Fuhrman to Cochran to the slasher himself... there's a special place in hell
for all of 'em, guilty as they are of exposing just what a mockery the US judicial system
can be in the worst of hands...
9. Kathie Lee Gifford
Setting new standards for irrelevance and self-importance.
10. Madonna
She can't still be here, can she?
11. Newt
12. Rush
Here I refer to both the Canadian nasal-metal band and the Big Fat Idiot
& demagogue who is the eponymous anti-hero of Al Franken's
best-selling book.
13. Pat Robertson
14. Pat Buchanan
The poor Pats -- they were born too late and in the wrong place to
find their real niches in the Nazi SS...
15. Cal Thomas
What's the difference between him and Ed Anger? Intellectually,
nothing. Just syndication & circulation. |
